Hungover

Can you get a hangover from one glass of wine?  Judging by my day today, you can, friends, oh yes you can.  You can also have a sinus headache that makes the quiet party across the street sound like it's right next to your bed.  Oy.

On the job front, a couple of interviews in the last week or so.  No offers yet though.  In the meantime, I'm attempting to motivate into some of the long-neglected crafts I've been meaning to do since I finished Chinese medicine school.  It's been hard to pull out of this...miasma and get going at something, anything.  I'm having the stuck feelings again, closing in on me. 

Explanation

During a phone interview yesterday, the interviewer asked me the following question:

You're so qualified, why are you applying for a low level administrative assistant job?

I tried, politely, to explain to her that positions congruent with my education and experience are going to people with much more experience than I have and positions that are, essentially, pretty basic for me are hard-won for people as highly educated as I am.

But, really?  The bottom line is--I just need a fucking job.  You know I can do the job.  You've said so yourself.  Hire me already.

At the Helm

Beeboy is away on business for a couple of days so the cats, dog, and I are at the helm.  More applications and resumes out every day.  Had an in-person interview for a job I'm absolutely perfect for and is perfect for me.  Another phone interview today.  Hoping for some real movement soon--I'm more and more tired of being at home every day.

Things

It was dogpark day today--the weather is finally not fryingly hot so Dog and I took off for a romp in sunshine.  As usual, there were quite a few four-leggeds there, including a gorgeous red-brown spotted English Setter and a large female Malamute.  The Mal's owner and I traded mal stories for a while as Dog socialized with the pack that gathered while we were there.  A few pet-friendly errands later, we were headed back home.

In addition to being good for Dog, these breaks are good for getting me out of the house, away from the laptop, and out of my head.  I get a little sun and some fresh air and Dog comes home tired and happy.  Interview next week--trying not to get too excited about it--I've interviewed twice at this organization before and never got a callback the first time and a knock-back the second.  I've also put out so many resumes that I've developed some RMI in my left hand.  Been trying to rest but am compelled to keep going.

Eye Strain

I finally pulled out my reading glasses and wore them all afternoon.  Ta da!  No more eye strain headaches! 

My writing samples and WordPress blog have been put up and proofed.  Hoping for some work, any work to show soon.

Sunshine

I've completely fallen in love with Pinterest.  I've been pinning things that inspire and encourage me, things that make me happy or make me think nice thoughts.  It helps.  It isn't a fix-all, but it helps.

Sunshine has finally returned--Dog and I went to the dogpark.  It helps the social awkwardness, you know?  At the dogpark you don't have to worry about making small talk with people or running out of conversation.  You can always talk about the dogs or have to go take care of a poo situation or mind your dog.  I get a walk in, Dog gets his ya-yas out, and usually we stop for a bagel and a biscuit afterwards.

Still bending wire, still kind of horrible at it but this is how you learn, right?

Also, more wants:

An Ami James tattoo--I've been thinking about Japanese designs for years and I'd love to have them done by someone who really loves doing Asian work.

To do and finish Nanowrimo this year

To do an arty inspiration journal

To learn millinery

Make a pavlova

Eat at Chez Panisse

Get back in the habit of reading voraciously

Listen to Jay Bernstein's online lectures

Start out the week with a TEDtalk

Make wine and beer

Make more jam!

Make my own handsoap

Make and wear 50's-esque dresses and cute (non-heeled) shoes

Wear lots of large rings!

Have totally awesome tattoos including one with birds

Breakdown

Yesterday was a breakdown day.  One rejection after another, mounting stress about (lack of) money, general bad feelings about an ongoing, poor job search equals one weeping, sniveling mess on the couch.

So I did what you do when you're sick of your own depression and malaise.  I went to the beach.  Dog and I got into the car and off we went to the beach for a romp around and some serious ocean time.  Dog made friends of the four-legged variety while I looked for sea glass and interesting rocks.  We both came home tired out but happy.  On the way home we did the other thing that you do when you're sick of yourself--grocery shop.  I bought plenty of fresh veg, fruits, and some delicious sausages.  Oh.  Yeah.  And some chocolate croissants.  They are crack-laced on all levels--they're frozen, then you leave them out on the counter overnight to proof and in the morning they are deliciously yeasty and light.  A little egg wash and some oven time and they're buttery, flaky and breakfast heroin.

I also decided that rather than longing for a copywriting job and slamming my head against the wall of Administrative Assdom, I will just put up a freaking WordPress and some samples already and go after it.  If something isn't working, try something else.  Anything else.

Things I Don't Understand

In order to finish a graduate degree, one generally needs to have a high degree of proficiency with basic office tasks and technologies.  Software, hardware, writing conventions, administrative conventions...all are necessary to successfully earn an advanced degree.  The thing that I don't understand is how any company can look at a resume with multiple graduate degrees and multiple coordinating roles and *not* immediately want to hire the person attached to that resume.

It's as though I had to choose what I wanted to do for the rest of my life when I was 18.  That just doesn't seem practical or reasonable to me.

More wants

I want to go on regular vacations and have a regular vacation spot.
I want to be a photographer.  Like, for real.
I want to be an accomplished baker and cook.
I want to live on significant acreage with chickens and goats.
I want to make delicious bento lunches for Beeboy and myself.
I want to feel as though I have my life together.
I want to feel strong and capable again.
I want to learn how to bind my own books.
I want to be a faster and more accomplished knitter.
I want to give myself a style makeover and have the style I am jealous of in other people.

Wants

Several years ago, post-bad breakup, I was sitting in a therapist's office, finally trying to empty out my gunked up, jumbled, completely clusterfucked head.  I spent the first hour and a half of my two hour appointment telling Mr. Therapist about all of the things that sucked about my life and what I *didn't* want.  After letting me tire myself out, he asked me, "But, what would you *like*?"  It took me ages to actually answer that question--no less than seven drafts, I think.  When I finally came up up with a list of the things I really really wanted, it was one of the most life-changing times of my life.  I thought I might have a go at putting together a list since much time has elapsed since those therapy sessions.

I would like:

A ukelele (and ukelele lessons)
An every day yoga practice
To make money making jewelry
To have regular acupuncture patients
Write a book
Have a successful/popular/moneymaking blog
My own car
Have regular animal acupressure/acupuncture patients
Enough money to cover all of the bills and quite a bit leftover for saving and spoiling
To buy Beeboy an iPad
To feel rested, calm, comfortable
To have enough funds to pay for our wedding
To marry Beeboy
To learn how to sew skillfully
To remember how to read for fun again
To have energy and feel healthy again

Stuckness

A professor of mine in graduate school used to use that word alot:  Stuckness.  I seem to have alot of that lately--stuckness.  I'm not sure how I expect this blog to help that but it feels at least a little productive while I have strings of days that don't feel productive at all.

I try to get up before 10.  Sometimes that doesn't happen.  Sometimes it's more like 1 when the dog wakes me up for more food and a potty break that I manage to crawl out of bed.  I often don't shower until 5 or 6, mostly because I feel badly if my fiance comes home to find me still dirty, still crazy-haired at 7pm.  It makes my skin crawl.  On a good day I put out resumes and attempt to market my acupuncture practice.  Other days I have a bowl of cereal and dick around on the Intartubes until the guilt is so overwhelming that I put out some half-hearted resumes and resign myself to staring at trash TV and petting the cats.

I am stuck.  I have an acupuncture license, three Masters degrees, and ten years of working mostly full-time while balancing full-time school.  I can't seem to find a job.  I can't seem to find any patients.  And the longer I spend sitting on the couch, the less I want to see, speak to, or deal with other people.  I feel exhausted by being here.  Again.  And as though my brain is wrapped in quilt batting.  I am depressed.

I take my pills.  I keep trying.  But I just feel stuck.  And worse so when I see others succeeding.  All around me people are getting jobs, jobs they enjoy, and they're making money.  And I'm still struggling.


I don't know what I expect from this.  I do know that I need some outlet, some way to try to get myself unstuck.