Stuckness

A professor of mine in graduate school used to use that word alot:  Stuckness.  I seem to have alot of that lately--stuckness.  I'm not sure how I expect this blog to help that but it feels at least a little productive while I have strings of days that don't feel productive at all.

I try to get up before 10.  Sometimes that doesn't happen.  Sometimes it's more like 1 when the dog wakes me up for more food and a potty break that I manage to crawl out of bed.  I often don't shower until 5 or 6, mostly because I feel badly if my fiance comes home to find me still dirty, still crazy-haired at 7pm.  It makes my skin crawl.  On a good day I put out resumes and attempt to market my acupuncture practice.  Other days I have a bowl of cereal and dick around on the Intartubes until the guilt is so overwhelming that I put out some half-hearted resumes and resign myself to staring at trash TV and petting the cats.

I am stuck.  I have an acupuncture license, three Masters degrees, and ten years of working mostly full-time while balancing full-time school.  I can't seem to find a job.  I can't seem to find any patients.  And the longer I spend sitting on the couch, the less I want to see, speak to, or deal with other people.  I feel exhausted by being here.  Again.  And as though my brain is wrapped in quilt batting.  I am depressed.

I take my pills.  I keep trying.  But I just feel stuck.  And worse so when I see others succeeding.  All around me people are getting jobs, jobs they enjoy, and they're making money.  And I'm still struggling.


I don't know what I expect from this.  I do know that I need some outlet, some way to try to get myself unstuck.